Oddville Dispatch

Darren Ephesus is an iron lung stand-up comedian, the last of his kind. He has spent years trying to keep art of ‘Iron Lung Standup’ alive, but today, his journey comes to an end. “Back when polio swept the nation, we had our own troupe, fifty comedians strong!” Darren remembers. “But one by one they died, and I’m the only one left.”

Gurgenthal’s Vaudville Theater was the last venue that would carry his act, but it recently went into foreclosure, and this will be his last show. As the lights go down, the curtain rises, and a spotlight illuminates Darren’s iron lung that has been wheeled center stage. We can’t see him, but his voice is heard, disembodied and tinny from the theater’s ancient sound-system. Let’s listen.

Darren Ephesus doing his last show

Have you ever heard a person in an iron lung do a knock knock joke?

No? There is a reason for that.

That was my knock knock joke, you can laugh now.

The great thing about being in an iron lung is if anybody is brutally murdered in your immediate vicinity, you’re not a suspect.

Another upside to my condition is when I die, I don’t have to pay for a casket.

(nervous laughter)

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I’m a complete psychopath. If I wasn’t in this thing, I’d be killing people left and right.

I am filled with vitriolic hatred and rage for the world.

(long awkward pause)

That was joke, you can laugh now.

(laughter)

No seriously, I’m not joking. I’m a total psycho. Norman Bates has nothing on me.

Let me tell you about my mother. She also lived in a submarine.

(silence)

At the Children’s Hospital, they had the polio kids together on one floor. They would push our iron lungs together so we could play with each other through the glass.

I was like a mini Hannibal Lecter. I would talk them into swallowing their own tongues to amuse myself. After the third child died, the nurses figured out what I was doing, and put me in isolation.

(audience titters nervously)

Have you ever had to watch cartoons for 72 hours straight through the reflection in a mirror? The Road Runner still zips through my nightmares. Meep meep! Meep meep! I wish I could strangle him and eat him for dinner with a nice glass of chianti and some fava beans. Thup thup thup.

(laughter)

And now for my final act, I’m going to need a volunteer from the audience. You sir in the first row, come up here. As you all know, this is my last show. Iron Lung Standup has been my life, and without it, I’m finished.

Sir, please unplug me. I’m serious.

(Laughter)

I don’t want to go on living. Sir, just pull that cord over there out of the wall. Give it a yank, and let me go out my way.

Hey, where are you going? You stupid jerk!

(Audience starts to leave)

Hello? I can hear you leaving! Ungrateful bastards!

Postscript: Since the show, to the great consternation of his neighbors, Darren has taken up yodeling to fill the void.